Lights on, nobody's home.

  I haven't updated this blog in a while mainly because I've been piled upon and lost within the increasing demands of this semester at NSCAD.
 My Christmas break was good, I was quiet and rather reserved. Semi anti-social but I simply assumed that was due to the exhaustion from the previous semester catching up with me.
 The semester has begun and within the first week I'm overwhelmed. Bad relationships gone a wall sour, my dog of 15 years is in need of being put down (he's the love of my life), and the only thing on my mind is "how can I escape all of this..". I had realized, after all these years of pressing through and pushing on I'd had physically and mentally reached my capacity.
 Now, I'm not writing this as a sob story, or as a pity me.. thats the last thing I want from anyone. It's simply to allow people to realize if they feel similar in any regards at the immense overwhelming stresses of being an artist, you are not alone.
 I lost motivation for my work, lost interest in attempting to even grasp a mere understanding of the advanced readings I have this semester with one of my classes.  The feeling of defeat comes quickly and is extremely hard to shake once latched on to your shoulder reminding you "there's no way.." Sounds pretty horrible doesn't it? You get used to it. I'd slunk into a shadowed hole and wanted to stay there.  Of course I have no actual understanding of where all of this came from. My life is perfectly satisfying, if anything I'm ridiculously lucky to have such privileges. Unfortunately this chapter I don't see being avoidable.
I'm bothered by the fact that this depression and anxiety has changed my personality. I've become a lot more timid in attempt to stay calm and protect myself from any "episodes" (which are just plain awful) It just upright sucks. Medications change my persona, I'm a lot quieter, laid back, numbed if I may. I feel no emotions. I just feel suppressed.
Surprisingly enough aside all that crap, I still have minor motivation to complete this semester successfully. I'm lucky to have amazing professors at NSCAD and friends to help keep me up and I hope I can return the favour.
Basically the whole point of this, is just to point out, being in the industry that I am. You need to be strong, you need to understand that it's not just a job, a profession, a choice really.. being an artist can consume your life. If you don't have balance within this practice you will burn out quickly. It's all about the grace within your recovery though. I suggest not walking away.

Big and beautifully twisted

I gave myself my first stick and poke tattoo.
And then I split black india ink all over my freshly re done hardwood floors.

Great Success.

Fingerprint.

I think its really important that we always write.
We always write and collect our thoughts by hand
Because if we get to the point in design and technology where we lose
that imprint that personal signature
the very thought of another human being leavin their mark, with their thoughts
I think we will be lost
We'll lose everything if we let go of that.
We need to always remember to write.
Never let go of writing.

Ever, its your fingerprint.

Dumb Dumb

I miss you.
That's all.

FACK

                                              This philosophy works for me personally.

I hate everything.

       And thats how you shut up a woman, 

         call her a witch in the 1600's. Wuudp.

3 am shananagins brought to you by Alex and Amanda from the Photo Editing Lab

Drunk man stumbling down the street
Alex quotes mans thoughts: Man.. how the fuck do I get out of this white maze...

Alex and Amanda as grandmothers:

Alex: I'm going to swear so much as a grandma.. "Fuck" "Nan Alex what did we say about swearing around the kids?!" "Well they'll learn fuck at the age of 13 or 16 might as well be now"

Amanda: "What the hell did you do to the kids head? His haircut looks like a twat"

Alex: "What is that, bleach?! Bleach should be only used for one thing, your asshole. And trust me you want those hairs to be blonde"

Amanda's hallway song:

"Your grandma and my grandma set the house on fire can I get a hay now, HAY NOW.. hay now.. no? Its a song.."

Truth- Self Reflection (well that sounds stupidly lame and predictable)

I just want to see it on paper. Are these now  considered 'things' because they are written?
 (study 'things' its interesting)


I really enjoy learning about conceptual processes such as 'Desire Paths'. I walk them to get lost in thought. Non-concrete path- lovely wondering thoughts. 
I believe in a better tomorrow but know its not possible...I'll be damned if I don't try my best though
I'm overwhelmingly passionate
I am judgmental but hate being judged
I never give the benefit of the doubt unless informed otherwise
I used to talk to trees when I was younger.. kids made fun of me.. I blame Zelda
I love history
I don't believe people can ever see things eye to eye.. we all have our own eyes.. duh.. but we should be thankful we can see ( and have a right to our own opinion)
I see more in the 'small things' than I do in  'the extravagant'