Lights on, nobody's home.

  I haven't updated this blog in a while mainly because I've been piled upon and lost within the increasing demands of this semester at NSCAD.
 My Christmas break was good, I was quiet and rather reserved. Semi anti-social but I simply assumed that was due to the exhaustion from the previous semester catching up with me.
 The semester has begun and within the first week I'm overwhelmed. Bad relationships gone a wall sour, my dog of 15 years is in need of being put down (he's the love of my life), and the only thing on my mind is "how can I escape all of this..". I had realized, after all these years of pressing through and pushing on I'd had physically and mentally reached my capacity.
 Now, I'm not writing this as a sob story, or as a pity me.. thats the last thing I want from anyone. It's simply to allow people to realize if they feel similar in any regards at the immense overwhelming stresses of being an artist, you are not alone.
 I lost motivation for my work, lost interest in attempting to even grasp a mere understanding of the advanced readings I have this semester with one of my classes.  The feeling of defeat comes quickly and is extremely hard to shake once latched on to your shoulder reminding you "there's no way.." Sounds pretty horrible doesn't it? You get used to it. I'd slunk into a shadowed hole and wanted to stay there.  Of course I have no actual understanding of where all of this came from. My life is perfectly satisfying, if anything I'm ridiculously lucky to have such privileges. Unfortunately this chapter I don't see being avoidable.
I'm bothered by the fact that this depression and anxiety has changed my personality. I've become a lot more timid in attempt to stay calm and protect myself from any "episodes" (which are just plain awful) It just upright sucks. Medications change my persona, I'm a lot quieter, laid back, numbed if I may. I feel no emotions. I just feel suppressed.
Surprisingly enough aside all that crap, I still have minor motivation to complete this semester successfully. I'm lucky to have amazing professors at NSCAD and friends to help keep me up and I hope I can return the favour.
Basically the whole point of this, is just to point out, being in the industry that I am. You need to be strong, you need to understand that it's not just a job, a profession, a choice really.. being an artist can consume your life. If you don't have balance within this practice you will burn out quickly. It's all about the grace within your recovery though. I suggest not walking away.